How did I stop myself from entering the “wrong” type of relationship??
Wait, don’t judge yet. Let’s talk about what I’m feeling at the moment.
Some people find it hard to connect to people emotionally, and it’s even worse if these people are overthinkers. Some people get everything they want and there are still people who can perfectly live a double life.
And I am all these in one.
I might have just sighed after writing this — like being this person was a sickness — but I would be living in denial; well, I am still living in denial.
I am both irrational and calculating if that’s even a thing. I can do the craziest things in certain situations and still be very traditionally strict in other situations; it has always been about my mood at every instance.
Enough of writing about me.
Have you ever seen someone and had this overwhelming rush of something I can’t even explain to the point you feel choked, and you really have to take deep breaths to calm yourself down but at the same time absolutely enjoy the feeling? It’s been six months, and I still feel this rush every fucking time I see him. My friends wonder what on earth I like about him, and me, very funny, but I can’t even explain it. Well, I haven’t always been able to explain how I really like the people I like.
Yes, there might be no such term as a “wrong” relationship, but for me, a stickler for principles and at the same time a very irrational person, it’s mostly conflicting.
I have always believed that there are always at least two options in every situation, we can deny it all we want, but everyone always has a choice to make — to choose whether an option was entering your good or bad dictionary. For me currently, well, I’m going to let the universe decide — as selfish as it sounds.
All my life, I have never dated a married man, not because I’m perfect or anything; I just don’t do it for my own sanity, and I don’t believe in breaking a home or being part of the cause.
Normally, when I meet a man, I would always ask, and once I find out that you’re married, automatically, all the emotions would evaporate, and I stop. But why isn’t this one going away? I mean, the more I try to push it off, the more it intensifies.
We will call him Mr. Crush.
So, I went to SA for a six-month contract job in a big organization — I would prefer not to disclose its name — and the first time I saw him was the very first day I started work, merely a glance. Oh! I did hate him the second time I saw him. I felt he was rude, and bossy, and raised his voice, which pissed me off a lot. Who the hell was he to be raising his voice at someone like that? From the look of things, the person he was shouting at had almost done nothing wrong.
He actually frequented my office space but never really entered. I didn’t know who he was actually, and I didn’t even care.
So, two weeks after I resumed, my director went on leave, although we were in constant communication because I hadn’t grabbed shit. The downside of her going on leave was that I now had to work directly with the MD. I hated being in the limelight if you know what I mean. At work, I preferred to be the brain behind the scenes. But people, I am a gorgeous woman, and I always have a great first impression.
My first meeting with the MD was on Monday at 11 am.
I walked to the building where his office was situated, and I was directed to his office. He was on call before I entered, but he quickly ended it. I was actually excited to see the MD. He was a smart man, as I’ve heard; who wouldn’t be excited?
When whoever was sitting on the chair turned towards me, guys, it was the rude, bossy, and shouting guy. Shit!!!
My smile turned into a blank expression.
Well, that was stupid because, within the span of the next sixty minutes, I could actually picture my career path going forward and so many innovations and ideas to shoot it to its peak.
Damn, I wanted to learn as much as I could from this guy. But then, he ended with, “I personally requested you because I was extremely impressed with what you did in the Nigerian branch, and I need your brain and the way you think to work together to take this branch to the next level. And Alex, I’m well aware you do not like to be seen, but I do really want to see you.”
I tried to conceal my excitement, and with a sheepish smile, I foolishly replied, “I can try.”
Then, he moved me to an office opposite him, and we started to work together. That was when the subtle stalking started. I mean, no one has truly wanted to “see me” or whatever that meant in my head.
I never really had to put in the effort to attract a man, but I always did add a little lipstick. I also started coming in early, particularly before him. The way the offices in SA were structured, I would see him coming in, and I would intentionally stand and look in his direction just in time to mouth my greeting.
He would smile and wave. Oh, that smile lit up my fano every time, and I always smiled back.
If you had told me that I would ever be attracted to a married man any time before Mr. Crush said “he wanted to see me,” I would vehemently give you reasons why I could never. I had failed and forfeited my principles in this case — I was foolishly and helplessly falling ever so badly for this man.
I mean, I have had wet dreams night after night about him, and I couldn’t stop this whole feeling like I was always able to do. But thankfully — or not, I wasn’t the only one feeling this.
I intentionally volunteered to go to his office anytime I saw an opportunity, even if we didn’t have to meet, and he always entertained it.
Then one night, I messaged him on LinkedIn. Don’t judge please, I’m sorry; my head was truly gone.
The next day, he came in and didn’t wave or even look at me enough for us to lock eyes. I felt pretty bad. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to send that text on LinkedIn, but how was I supposed to suppress this thing that couldn’t stop?
“Maybe I had really messed things up by that singular act,” I thought.
So, I went into his office just so that I could even be close enough to him for a few minutes. I was so excited. At least, I would be with him for a while to subside whatever was going on in my head, mind, and body. Sadly, the conversation didn’t even last up to two minutes before he dismissed me from his office with a “can we do this later” tone.
Yikes! That really hurt.
Whenever I saw him, my chest began to feel tighter. I took deep breaths so as not to get downright flushed. I would deliberately look for him or to him during meetings or presentations — I just always needed to see him so I could feel better.
“What if I was misreading things?” I kept asking myself. “What if he’s avoiding the whole office thing?”
This really bothered me, but after that day, I decided that in one way or another, I was going to channel all these emotions to something else — I had to. I was here for work, after all. I didn’t want a situation where I would let this grow, and I would find out that he didn’t feel the same way toward me.
Meanwhile, I wasn’t seducing him or any of those sorts. The only thing I was doing was to smile at him, lock and hold eyes for some seconds before pretending to shyly look away — and maybe drop a compliment here and there.
I just wanted us to be friends, and if he didn’t feel the same way, I would push the emotions away.
Yes, I might be lying about wanting to be friends — hell, I didn’t even know what was going on in my mind. In those dreams, and as funny as it may sound, we never kissed or any of the sort. We would just talk for hours, hold hands, hug, and I would wake up really soaked. I didn’t want to make whatever this was sexual because it had been a long time since I liked someone without their clothes off. This was really weird for me because I am a very sexual person!
After lunch break that day, he smiled at me when I walked past him. He actually stopped to pay me a compliment! Uhh! That was a huge relief.
Seeing him at work became part of my motivation to go to work. We became much closer, and it was purely emotional, with no physical exchanges yet. I loved watching him address everyone and being the leader in the room.
He was so handsome and smart, and he did care about me. During meetings, I would randomly send funny texts to him, and he would smile. Oh! I loved how I made him smile. It lit up my day every time.
The friendship never affected our work. If I’m honest, it actually made our work much better than we expected.
We worked together for the next six months, and it turned out to be the most fruitful six months of my life. Although, the sexual tension I thought wasn’t there at the beginning was becoming more intense. The tension just kept building up.
Today is my last day in SA, and my flight is in a few hours. I’m wrapping up my write-up about the last six months of my life and the seemingly crappy decisions I made. And I’m doing this ever so peacefully because whatever happened in SA will have to stay in SA. I can’t deal with it elsewhere.
Oops! I have 14387 seconds left… before these amazing arms wrapped around me would go back to “business as usual,” and I intend on making every damn second count.
Yep! I know what you’re thinking. I did it with him — several times, actually. Don’t judge me; a woman has needs. The sexual tension between us was way too intense, and I could only pretend for so long.
And to answer my first question, “How did I stop myself from getting entangled in all these?” — I could not.
But it doesn’t even end here.
All I can think of is the last thing he said to me last night, after passionately kissing me.
“I would be in Nigeria in two weeks,” he said, “and I’d be staying for a while.”
Guys! His family resides in Nigeria.
How is “whatever happened in SA” going to stay in SA?
I am totally screwed!!!
