In the Absence of You, Dad ❤️

I never really thought about dying…

So, it’s true when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.
– E A Bucchianeri.

The statement “Death is final”
Only ever made sense to me after I lost my dad.
I never thought I’d be on the other side.
I just recently joined the Dead Dad’s Club.
Dying never really crossed my mind,
But lately, it’s crossed my mind a billion times.
Lately, the thoughts about how one feels when they are about to die fill my head constantly.
Maybe I’m just desperate to connect with you in any way possible.
I just can’t believe this is it.

I think about not hearing your voice again and all I can see is you lifeless.
I still see your face that night,
The night I cried desperately on my knees to God to take my life instead of yours.
But He wasn’t on call that night, I guess.
Every night I cry, but it seems it’s not enough.
Most nights I can’t sleep, but I can’t do anything else.
My mind is just messed up.
I don’t know whether to move forward or backward.
I can’t even say I don’t want to feel the pain because it’s all I have.
I’m just directionless.

How am I supposed to do life without you?
You made us all dependent on you.
Who will I tell about my day?
Who will I gossip with?
Who will encourage my pettiness and laugh about it?
Who will support me and magnify my confidence?
How am I supposed to live without you?
I read our chats and I can’t take it.
I listen to your voice notes and watch your videos, and all I can do is cry.
Everything reminds me of you, even the glasses I’m putting on as I type.

Nobody can fill the void you left in our lives.
No one could ever love me the way you loved me.
No one could understand me the way you did.
No one prepared me for this.

You taught me so much, yet nothing about living without you.
Every laugh feels incomplete, every joy a shade dimmer without your presence.
Life goes on, they say, but it feels like time stands still in your absence.
The world continues to spin, but my world has stopped.
Your unconditional love, talking every day, telling you everything that excites me, eating together,
Your wisdom, your kindness, your unwavering support—these are the things I miss the most.
You were my rock, my confidant, my guide through the storms of life.
Without you, I feel lost at sea, adrift without an anchor,
Hoping that somehow someone would pull me back.

People say that time heals all wounds, but they don’t tell you about the scars that remain.
The invisible marks that ache with every thought of you.
The memories flood my mind at the most unexpected moments, bringing both comfort and
pain.
I cherish those moments, yet they tear me apart inside.

The funny part of this is every member of your family feels exactly the same.
How did you do it?
The silence in our home is deafening.
Every corner, every piece of furniture, every photograph holds a fragment of you.
I walk through these spaces, hoping to feel your presence, but all I find is
emptiness.
Your absence is a constant reminder of how profoundly you shaped my life.

I struggle with the mundane tasks that once seemed effortless with you by my side.
Cooking your favorite meal, reading, writing for you to read, and even doing house chores feel like
a monumental task without your reassuring presence.
I’m learning to live again, but it’s a slow and painful process.

I know you would want me to be strong, move forward, and find happiness again.
But how can I, when my heart is still broken, my spirit still shattered?
I try to honor your memory by living the life you’d be proud of, but it’s hard to find the motivation.

Yet, in the quiet moments, when the tears subside, I hear your voice.
A whisper of encouragement, a reminder of your love.
It’s these fleeting moments that give me strength to face another day.
I hold on to the hope that one day, the pain will be less acute, and the memories will bring
more smiles than tears.

Until then, I will carry you in my heart, every step of the way.
Your legacy lives on in the love and lessons you left behind.
You are gone, but you will never be forgotten.
The Eagle lives on…

The song is ended, but the melody lingers on.
– Irving Berlin

I miss you terribly and, will always love you.🥰